The Best Irish Jokes?  Hard to Say ... But These Are Pretty Darn Funny!

"An Irishman wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.

He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, ‘Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.’

Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, freshly squeezed orange juice and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper – and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.

’Tell me, son,’ he asks, ‘what happened last night?’

‘Well, says the boy, ‘you came home so blind drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.’

‘My Gosh!’ says the man. ‘Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?’

The son replied: ’when Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, floozie woman, I’m married!'"

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.

"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die!"

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What on earth is so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "Thank God I'm not a member of this parish!"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second one chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says Your Grace'."

The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies ask, "Well...?"

Finally she replies, "My son is a 6' 2" hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!"'

"St. Patrick's Day is such a wonderful occasion. It gives the Irish the omnipotent feeling that Texans have all year long!

"Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Those on foot would cross the street.  Then he would allow the traffic to pass.

He had done this several times while Paddy still stood at the crosswalk, getting more and more impatient.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'"