Having a good supply of St Patricks Day jokes to tell is one of the most entertaining ways to express your Irish side. While these jokes will have a special meaning and impact on St Patricks Day, they can be used to spice up Irish weddings, Irish birthdays, Irish pub crawls ... or frankly any other occasion, with or without an Irish theme!
One of the things we love about Irish humor is how fearless it is - no subject is out of bounds. Here are few "clean and short" examples to get you started.
Trouble remembering jokes? You're not alone. Just start with the short, simple ones and work your way up from there! :-) Here are a few short ones to get you started:
Question: How did the Irish Jig get started?
Answer: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Question: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Answer: Because they're always a little short.
Question: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
Answer: A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Question. Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Answer. He couldn't afford plane fare.
Question: Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
Answer: You don't want to press your luck.
St. Patrick’s Day marks the end of Lenten restrictions, which means that alcohol drinking is allowed - therefore jokes about drinking must be allowed too! Green beer and whiskey, the two traditional drinks for the occasion, are the subject of numerous St Patricks Day jokes.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub.
Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer.
Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back.
The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking.
The Irishman carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams,
"Spit it out! Spit it out!"
Walking into the pub, Patrick said to the bartender:
"Pour me a stiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patrick replied, "herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!
McQuillan sat in a bar and began ordering martinis, each time taking the olives out and putting them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he got up and headed towards the bar's door.
"Sir, excuse me," said a customer, "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Pat is a drunk. A priest met him one day and told him that so much drinking would cause him to become smaller and smaller until he turned into a mouse.
Pat got troubled by the information.
He went home and gave his wife the following instructions:
"If you see that I am starting to get smaller and smaller, will you kill the damn cat?
O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Paddy visited the doctor and received disturbing news.
"I'm sorry lad," the doctor said.
"I can't be certain about the problem. It must be the drink."
"That's ok Doc," said Paddy. "I'll come back when you've sobered up!"
Paddy O'Ryan walks up to a bar, sits gingerly on a stool and orders a whiskey.
When the bartender brings his drink he says, "I've been drinking whiskey all week to cure my sciatica.
The bartender looks concerend and says "I can give you a better cure Mr. O'Ryan."
"Sshhh! says Paddy. "I don't want to hear it!"
Ok, seriously. St Patricks Day jokes about drinking? Too EASY! Let's try a few about taxes, judges, and the Almighty... Remember, St Patricks Day jokes can be a bit irreverent.
The phone rings and Father O'Reilly answers. An official voice on teh other end of the line says:
"Is this Father O'Reilly?"
"This is the Internal Revenue Service. Will you please help us?"
"Do you know a Seamus O'Doul?"
"Does he attend your church?"
"Did he make a large donation to your church?"
Liam had just stood trial and was awaiting the verdict. The news was much better than expected!
"That will be five pounds or a month in jail!" the judge ordered harshly.
After a moment's thought, Liam respectfully replied, "very well Sir. I'll take the five pounds."
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in the parking lot of a large mall.
"Lord," he prayed "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation the man said "Never mind! I found one!"
We have the perfect recipe for Irish stew:
Get meat, a few potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout.
Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.
Some of us simply don't have a good head for remembering stuff. But we still like to tell jokes! So never fear, the solution is here!
Yes it will go quick... but it will leave you wanting more! And the good news is, we have more. Lots of 'em :-).
Waaaaitasecond... Hang on... If these are the funny ones, what's wrong with all the other ones?
Just work with us. They're ALL funny. These are just...
Want to see if we know what we're talking about?
I know what you're thinking... If they're 'clean' they must not be very good, right? Wrong!
Visit our section on Clean Irish Jokes to prove once and for all that it is possible to tell a hilarious Irish joke... to your Mom. AND make her laugh.
Don't believe me?
I know, not everybody loves golf the way I do. But ... lots and lots of Irish men and women do love the game. And golfers love to make fun of each other as much as the next guy...
Want to know how to add golf to your list of great St Patricks Day jokes?
It is probably obvious - at Irish Expressions, we love Irish wit and wisdom! Learning Irish sayings gives us a deeper sense of connection with Ireland, wherever in the world we happen to be!
We have captured many of our favorite Irish sayings in an e-book called "77 Favorite Irish Sayings." In it you will find Irish proverbs, jokes, limericks, blessings and quotes on many, many topics!
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